So, it’s happened. Financial Armageddon has struck Canada. After performing modestly better than its global peers so far this year, Toronto stocks have plummeted in recent weeks, along with the savings and pension plans of those poor souls tied up in the markets. After losing 16% of their market value in what is essentially the bloodiest week on Bay Street since the 30’s, Canadian companies have proven that alas, they are far from immune to the global credit meltdown. While sitting at their dinner tables this Thanksgiving weekend, it is doubtful that many investors will have much to be thankful for. Seemingly, many would have been better off should they have stored their money in a paper bag, defecated on it, and lit it on fire.
Of course, proponents of Harpernomics continue to trumpet the fundamental advantages that continue to lend favor to the Canadian economy. One: housing starts and real estate prices remain high on this side of the border, and Canadian lending practices have prevented a similar sub-prime housing crisis from developing in Canada. Of course, with Banks hoarding money and unwilling to lend much more than bus fare, these new houses will be so empty that they risk becoming a national fire hazard. In an odd turn of events, securing a mortgage in Canada today can now take longer than the average wait time for a hip replacement.
Two: Canadian companies remain far healthier and better capitalized than their American counterparts. True, although as 90% of our country’s exports flow south, the Canadian economy decidedly moves in tandem with that of (as quoted by a colorful former Prime Minister) its elephantine bedtime partner. The favors bestowed upon Canada from this intimate relationship are sure to subside, as our nocturnal partner has seemingly fallen out of bed, broken its arm, and cracked its head open on the edge of the nightstand.
As recently as Friday, a government report in Canada revealed job creation numbers ten times higher than expected, momentarily bolstering the spirits of Bay street traders. But in the absence of an ensuing rally, the short-lived flash of optimism was again replaced by the macabre ideology of the times: sell no matter what. In a desperate attempt to regain liquidity amid the carnage, traders will soon contemplate auctioning the watches off their arms, as well as intimate back massages, and tickets to their children’s Thanksgiving school plays.
Of course, it is to be expected that provincial delegations would uphold the economy and their plans for its resuscitation front and centre in their agendas for the upcoming first ministers meeting. In the recent English language debate, federal opposition leaders tore into the Prime Minister much like wolves tear into a piece of chunky Alberta beef—after his failure to offer any new ideas or policies which might stabilize the ailing economy.
Oddly, however, most delegations failed to even mention what could be the worst economic collapse since the great depression, let alone propose solutions. As usual, most griped for more monetary kickbacks from Ottawa. Meltdown or no meltdown, it’s provincial politics as usual for most delegations. Nova Scotia whined about equalization, BC pined away (no pun intended) about their beetle infestation, and PEI demanded twelve wind turbines per capita to be placed at every street corner in downtown Charlottetown. Oh, and those up in Yellowknife want to become a province. Um, okay.. whatever.
It was only the Federal delegation, along with Quebec and Alberta, which directly addressed what has become the most salient issue this election campaign. New Brunswick preferred to fight tooth and nail over its deposits of Potash—undaunted by the recent collapse in the fertilizer industry and analysts pessimistic outlook for once unassailable potash prices. Nunavut is calling for immediate and “very expensive” aid programs to combat the effects of climate change in the Territory—sure to be a sound investment that ameliorates conditions for the territory’s seventeen permanent residents and its host of polar bears and sled dogs. Iqaluit’s recent troubles with massive ice chunks breaking off its arctic selves could surely be remedied using a much more cost effective team of Inuit carpenters with the help of a sturdy hammer and some scotch tape. Nunavut might equally ask for provincial status, as it alone can most effectively threaten to separate should its demands not be met—by detaching itself completely and floating away into the Arctic.
Canadians are scared. Should the crisis worsen, jobs will be lost, growth with come to a standstill, and the country will be thrown quite possibly into another great depression. Of course, since so few of us were around back then, we really cannot fathom how profound the effects of an economic meltdown are on everyday life. Mainstay issues in Canada such as health care reform and the environment are salient only in rich, developed countries, which can afford to debate trivialities in these areas thanks to robust economic growth. Those in the 1930’s were hardly fretting over the loss of a few trees in BC, or the wait times at Toronto General. These issues, however important, must be temporarily put on the backburner and leaders must focus their efforts on what inevitably keeps everything going: it’s the economy, stupid.
This is no time for Saskatchewan to rehash the niceties of the equalization formula. It is no time for Alberta to whimper incessantly about Senate reform. After billions of dollars of investment, Ontario’s newly educated workforce (that is, formerly unemployed GM workers) might just be picking apples in Niagara Falls should the carnage on Bay Street continue. The provinces must come up with a cohesive, effective plan to shelter their economies as much as possible from the global financial turmoil. Besides, a little bit of global warming would be kind of nice up here in the frigid North. The silver lining is that we’ll all be a bit warmer as we sleep in the alleys behind our foreclosed former houses.
And if that doesn’t appeal, may I suggest using your last few twoonies to take a trip to beautiful Prince Edward Island, which is nagging Ottawa for funding to revitalize its Tourism industry. And should the sheer beauty of the land of Green Gables fail to alleviate your woes, there’s always the option of taking a suicidal leap off one of their brand new wind turbines.
Nick Banerd, The Seditious Times
